Dear Dad,
I miss you. A little lot. And I miss mom too. But I still hate you a little bit for leaving us, for leaving me. When mom died, we had no one but you to lean on to. And you still left. I guess that explains why I always leave first when it comes to relationships. To avoid being left alone. To avoid getting hurt by someone who's not me. But I guess I'd have to thank you for that. Cause it made me stronger. You both leaving made me stronger. But I still hate you for it though.
I guess it's not fitting to greet you a happy birthday because birthdays are for the living. You've lost that privilege the moment you gave up. You shouldn't have given up. Birthdays are awesome, you see and birthdays without parents suck. You should've thought about that.
I'm sorry if all I'm writing is bitterness and pain. I still love you with all my heart and nothing, not a thing can change the fact that you are my dad and I will love you forevermore. Maybe you still love me forevermore too and maybe you're still watching over me, over me and my siblings but sometimes, just knowing that isn't enough. I spend everyday of my entire life hearing my friends talk about their fights with their dad and mom and jealousy and pain just slaps me real hard and sometimes, when I feel like crying, I just look up and think of you and how painful it was to see you see me cry.
Remember when I went out late at night? You hated me for that. You looked for me everywhere and found me 4 houses away. Scolded me once we got home and hit me. But right after hitting me for my own good, you apologized and begged me to never do that again. You even hugged me as I cried while saying sorry about how bad I was. But that wasn't what made me remember it the most. The way you looked at me, as if me crying was the worst thing that you've ever seen. And it sucks that no one will ever look at me that way. No one would care that much. Because unfortunately, you only get one dad in this world.
Again, I still love you. But you kinda suck. Not at being a dad okay? Just, you suck cause you died. Both of you. You and mom. But you mostly cause she died first, and well, you could've stayed a little bit longer. You didn't even had the chance to buy me napkins or to witness my first heartbreak or to even look down at guys I'll bring home. You couldn't. We didn't have the chance to drink and drive together. To get drunk and visit mom because we would have nothing better to do. That would've been cool. I miss you a lot and as I'm writing this, I can't help but cry a little because I know that all the "dadscapades" I have in my dreams will never happen. That we can never play music together. That we can never have another day together, not even a second.
I wanted more Christmases, I wanted more birthdays, I wanted more school occasions with you, I wanted more moments with you. You used to give me what I wanted and needed before, why fucking stop when it's your life we, not only wanted but fucking needed.
But that was before. I'm sort of okay now. I still have the strength to laugh about how you forgot how to breathe. I still have the humor to answer why you died and say that you drowned in your soup. I still have the power to ignore every father and daughter moments I witness every waking moment of my life and roll back my tears cause apparently, they never do me any good. I can do all those now, Dad. I'm a grown-up. You didn't see me grow up but, hey, who would ever have the liking to watch how puberty never did me any good anyway? And as a grown-up, I guess it's about time I give you a gift.
I give you my strength. I give you every ounce of courage that I have and be strong not only for me but also for my little brother. I'll never let him see me cry about you. I'll never let him feel like I haven't moved on because that would just make me seem weak and as her big sister, I have to be strong. I'll take care of him for you and mom. I'll take care of him and give him love, the love and time that death took away from him. I will be there for him.
The way you never did for me.
Again, I still love you though, okay?
With mixed emotions,
Your Daughter
