Two Hundred Eighty-Six

It's been a total of 286 days. All in all, 6,864 hours. In minutes, 401,040. In moments, infinity. 

That's how long we've been apart. Maybe we did see each other during those days but it was never counted because those moments were shielded with pride and hurt. I let you go thinking that I was not in love with you anymore, and I was right. Up till now, I still cannot say that I am regretting my decision because I know that our time apart made me a better person, made you a better person. It was never my intention to hurt you because I would never dare hurt the people I love. Not even those who treat me less than what I deserve. But I needed to do that because I felt suffocated and the suffocation made me love you less. I knew that if I held on to you longer, I'd drown and I might not see anything anymore. I'd be drowning in you and I might pull you down with me. I would never want to be anybody's anchor. Because I know that a person will always have the desire to sail away no matter how much they love the shore. And I can't stay knowing that I'd be holding you back from the oceans that are brighter, w i d e r and more beautiful than me. I sailed away and left you because I needed my space, not because I didn't love you anymore. 

I still love you. But I guess it is true what they say, that love is like the seasons. It is, ever changing. And right now, my love for you has changed. It is now barely there, in my heart. But still throbs at the sound of your name and the sight of you. The first few months were the hardest, I admit. I needed to be strong and stop myself from coming back to you no matter how much it pained me to see you suffer. You'd blame yourself and I would be in tears, screaming at my phone screen, imagining that it was you I'm shouting at. I'd beg and say that you needed not to suffer, that you could be happier if you wanted to. I wanted to comfort you and tell you I'd still be there and that I'd stay. But I just couldn't. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for me too. And you needed to learn to be there for yourself as well. You depended your happiness on me and it was too much to bear. I would try my hardest to impress you, give you things, give you letters only to see you smile and somehow, you depended on that and I felt too pressured. I felt unhappy.

I couldn't count the happy memories anymore because they were blurred by the unhappiness. I tried looking for it when I was with you but I just couldn't. My passion started to dwindle and I saw it coming a little bit earlier than my hospitalization. I was just too much of a coward to tell you, I was scared to see you go, scared to be left alone and was even more scared to hurt you.  

"You've been through enough", I'd tell myself that. I wanted to stay, believe me. I wanted to continue loving you. But I knew that if I did just that, I'd lose myself trying to find happiness in loving someone else.

I needed to love myself first.

I'm sorry it took me this long to write this. I needed to invest more thoughts and thinking into this. I needed to do this without destroying the happiness that you are experiencing now. I needed to think of your state first. I needed to say all these without offending you, without confusing you, without making you think that I'm doing this because I am winning you back. I'm doing this for me. I needed to let you out of my thoughts, needed to leave all memories and make new ones. I needed to let you know.

I needed to let you know that I do almost always think about you. I do have moments where I feel the need to text you, call you, chat you. I do have those, you were not the only one hurting when our relationship ended. And I'd dare say that it was, somehow, more difficult for me. It still is difficult. Just not that way anymore.

Because you are now happy.

And remember? I'd always tell you that when you're happy, I am too. 

I'd be happy for you.