Still My Alice

I miss you.

Goddammit,

I really do.

There are no words that could express how much I long to be inside you arms again.

Or just to be with you again.

To talk to you,

Laugh with you,

Sing with you,

Cook with you,

Sleep beside you.

You were so full of life.

So beautiful and so alive.

So happy with everything that's happening

Even though the Shit that is Cancer is eating your life away,

You still managed to smile, and happily live the remainder of your life.

I admire your strength so much.

You were like the candle.

Bright, warm and peaceful and you were never afraid to burn out in the end.

You were so selfless that you forgot to take care of yourself.

And I remember telling myself when I was thirteen that,

I wanted to be Just.Like.You.

I remember everything like they were all just yesterday.

The way you'd hurry fixing my hair in the morning every time we'd hear the school's flag ceremony. The long roads to the hospital for your chemotherapy. Oh, and the useless things we buy along the way too. Like the pens with duck feathers or the perfume bottles that looked fancy but smelled weird. I'd like to believe that I got my quirkiness from you even though I've only witnessed some of it.

I long for the day that I would get to see you again.

I wanted to and believe me when I say that the thought of being where you are,

Has crossed my mind more that a hundred times.

I wanted to leave this empty, wretched place and be with you again.

But I can't.

I know you won't ever forgive me for that.

You'd want the best for me and I promise that no matter how much I miss you,

I will never ever take the life God has given me.

I'll wait.

Patiently and with all my heart.

I'll live fully for you.

Only for you

I'd love fiercely for you,

Love selflessly,

Love fully,

Love with all my heart because

That's how you loved me.

You'll always be number 1 in my heart.

(Cheesy, huh? haha)

I love you, Mom.

My Only Alice ♥